Friday, August 2, 2019

Why Your Team Sucks, the Bills Breakdown

By Steve

A yearly tradition like none other. The annual Deadspin Your Team Sucks Buffalo Bills blog by Drew Magary. Here is the breakdown, with, of course, a picture I submitted if a guy sitting in front of puke being consoled by a security guy:

The most hurtful Buffalo jab:
"Watching the Bills every year is like bearing witness to an isolated tribe living in the Aleutian island chain, where kids trek to school in snowshoes and their parents swill paint thinner while carving tally marks into a nearby wooden plank with a bowie knife to count down the days until it’s time to reconvene with the Lord. The Bills are a portrait of despair. I don’t even like thinking about them. I was in coma for two weeks last winter and the nicest thing about it was that I never once thought of the Bills. Now I’m alive again and just the IDEA of the Bills still existing makes me yearn to be eaten by a frost bear and sent back into the great blackness, where all is quiet and Cole Beasley doesn’t exist"

Damn dude, ouch.

The most truthful quip:
"Fans will set dildos on fire in celebration if Josh Allen rises to the skill level of a lesser McCown brother."

At this point if Joshy Poo breaks 55% completion fanboys will erect a statue.

Things I even forgot happened:
"Tyrel Dodson has been charged with punching his girlfriend in the face when she had the nerve to tell him he was too drunk to go out to a restaurant. "

I googled this dude 3 times to verify he was actually in the team.

Best theme throughout:
"Fuck Sean McDermott’s phony, psalm-spewing, flag-humping, troop-sniffing, Ron Howard-looking ass. All of his ginger mean mugs and aggressive clapping do not impress Bill Belichick."
Making fun of McDermott is easy and not done nearly enough by our own.

Oddest part:
The email from the chicken finger sub guy. Really, you cant get chicken finger subs in most cities?

Best reader submition (besides mine):
From Travis "I literally couldn’t think of a single thing I hated or liked about this team. I almost forgot they even played last year. Wait... did they?"

Another, another great read.